


Push My Bum

by GABurke1895



Category: Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Rated for cursing, inspired by that one Dirk Gently moment, the Inquisitor is super stressed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-22
Updated: 2019-02-22
Packaged: 2019-11-03 17:17:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,004
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17881949
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GABurke1895/pseuds/GABurke1895
Summary: Inspired by that one Dirk Gently moment from one of my favorite episodes and my lifelong struggle with shards!





	Push My Bum

“Almost...there,” The Inquisitor huffed, “I’ve almost...got it.” Her companions watched her struggle with varying degrees of amusement and no intention of helping. 

 

“I can just...barely...FUCK!!” She exclaimed as she slid down the rocks she’d been attempting to climb for half an hour already.

 

“Come on, Boss, just leave it! We can always come back for it! Fairbanks has control of the region again so it’ll be fine,” Bull called to her before she tried to leap up again.

 

“It’s the last one in the region! I’ll be damned if lose to this damn boulder!”

 

“Rosy, we’re already damned! Has everything you’ve been through not taught you that, yet?” Varric added.

 

“They’re right, darling. Come down and rest for awhile. Have some lunch!” Dorian agreed.

 

The Inquisitor leveled a glare over her shoulder at them. Her stubborn pride wouldn’t allow her to admit defeat just yet! With an angry sigh, she ran and launched herself as high as she could on the rock, just barely clinging to the moss covered surface. She didn’t dare breathe for fear of dislodging herself...again. She glanced upward to judge the remaining distance between her and her prize. So close! Just a foot or two more!

 

An idea sprung into her head, “Bull! I need you!”

 

“What’s up, Boss?”

 

“Do me a favor?”

 

“Anything for you, Boss,” Bull smirked.

 

“Push my bum! Make me go up!” She demanded.

 

Bull blinked in disbelief while Varric burst into hysterical laughter and Dorian held his head in his hand.

 

“You want to run that by me again?”

 

The Inquisitor huffed again and shook her butt, “Push me up so I can reach this Maker forsaken shard and we can finally go the hell home!”

 

“Don’t get me wrong because I’d be glad to grab your ass any day, Boss, but I don’t think I’m allowed too,” Bull started, “Isn’t that like for authorized personnel only?”

 

“What are you talking about?” The Inquisitor dared to turn and stare at Bull in confusion.

 

“It must be blasphemous at this point to touch the Sacred Butt of Andraste’s Herald, right?” Dorian added.

 

“He means you might as well have a sign on your ass that reads ‘Property of Curly’,” Varric replied between chuckles as he wiped tears from his eyes.

 

“Oh ha ha, laugh it up! We’re not leaving this Maker cursed land until I have that stupid shard in my hand so either one of you get over here and help me reach it or I tell Cullen about how I almost died twice today,” The Inquisitor threatened with her cheeks aflame.

 

“Not much of a threat, Rosy,” Varric teased.

 

“Yeah, that’s just gonna give Cullen gray hairs. Besides, I’m not scared of him,” Bull agreed.

 

“I’ll tell Leliana who fed her birds those fancy seeds from the Black Emporium,” she tried again.

 

“Leliana isn’t that terrifying, dear,” Dorian replied from his reclined spot under a tree.

 

“Fine, FINE! I’ll personally see to it that Josephine know how much Bull HATES those little sandwiches that they served at the Winter Palace so we should definitely make sure we don’t ask cook to make them or that Varric would LOVE the responsibility of Ambassador to Kirkwall or that Dorian FANCIES FERELDEN BEER!”

 

The Inquisitor shouted out her frustration for all the Emerald Graves to hear. It seemed as if everything around them silenced itself so as not to anger her anymore. Her companions sat shocked and taken aback at her sudden furious outburst. It was wholly unlike her to yell at anyone like she just had. None of them dared to move lest she target them with her rage. That is, not until they heard soft sobs.

 

There she sat, still clinging to the mossy rocks, tears streaming down her cheeks. Bull was the first one to move into action. He came forward, plucked her off the rock and sat down with her, settling her in his crisscrossed legs facing him. He pat her head gently and let her cry it out. Dorian and Varric followed suit, both coming close to hold her hand and rub her back respectively. She took their comfort gladly.

 

“Are you ready to talk about it?” Bull rumbled when her sobs faded into sniffles.

 

“I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to yell at you guys like that! Its just been so stressful lately and I’m so frustrated. This damned shard just broke the halla’s back. But that’s no excuse!” She apologized.

 

“We know you didn’t mean it, darling. Though I AM rather miffed you just told all of Thedas that I like Fereldan beer,” Dorian admonished.

 

“Look, Rosy, if anyone has a right to be stressed and vent it’s you. You’ve literally got the fate of Thedas weighing on your shoulders,” Varric reasoned. “But let’s not tell Ruffles about any ambassadorship, alright?”

 

“Alright, deal,” she agreed with a weak, watery smile, “And I’m sorry about the beer, my dear Dorian.”

 

“Forgiven and forgotten,” he replied.

 

“A-and Bull, I-,” she started before being interrupted.

 

“Hold that thought, Boss,” Iron Bull said before he stood and lifted her up by her waist until she was eye-level with the shard. She snatched it greedily, raised it over her head and crowed in triumph.

 

“Now you can continue,” Bull smirked.

 

“Shall we have a tea party in the garden once we’ve returned? I’m sure Josephine would love to plan something aside from the end of the world.” She asked as she stashed the shard away.

 

“Sounds perfect to me, Boss,” Bull said as he lowered her to sit in the crook of his arm.

 

She wrapped her arms around his neck and nearly choked him with her hug before he set her down. She kissed the top of Varric’s head and clung to Dorian.

 

“What would I do without you three? Thank you. For everything,” she said as they walked back toward camp.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“I’m telling Cullen you touched the butt.”

 

“OH COME ON!”

 

 

 

 

 

INSPIRED BY:

[That One Dirk Gently Moment](https://www.google.com/search?q=dirk+gently+push+my+bum&rlz=1CDGOYI_enUS670US670&hl=en-US&prmd=visn&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwiAwruXv8zgAhUtVt8KHb2TCnUQ_AUoAnoECAwQAg&biw=414&bih=620#imgrc=vxBbo5iPM-tO1M)


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